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Scary Movie 5

2013 | 85 min | PG-13 | 1.85:1

Scary Movie 5


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Theatrical release date

 12 April, 2013
 12 April, 2013

Country of origin

 United States

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Screenshots from Scary MoVie 5 Blu-ray

Scary Movie 5 Preview  

 / 10
Preview by Brian Orndorf, April 12, 2013

“Scary Movie V” opens with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan in bed. Then they begin to have sex. Then “Yakety Sax” kicks in to score their gymnastic lovemaking session. And this is the type of viewing experience “Scary Movie V” becomes, with bad ideas spread like curdled butter over lousy ideas, and it doesn’t let up for 75 minutes (add another 15 for the end credits). What began with the Wayans Brothers spoofing “Scream” has now turned into a cinematic garbage bin for the franchise’s fifth outing, with a reduction in budget, casting surprises, and fodder for satire flattening the potential for even a single responsive titter. If you absolutely need to experience the feature, bring a pillow, as there’s nothing to the effort that promises to keep the viewer awake.

After the death of Charlie (Charlie Sheen), his three children have been found inside a cabin in the woods. Feral kids, they claim to have been raised by a maternal force known as “Mama,” spooking their new guardians, Dan (Simon Rex) and Jody (Ashley Tisdale). After welcoming the kids into their house, paranormal activity begins to occur, requiring the installation of security cameras to cover all corners of the property, while a psychic (Katt Williams, looking as though he hasn’t slept since the industrial revolution) is called in to assess the demonic situation. Fearing for her life, Jody’s anxiety is exacerbated by her time in the ballet, where she faces the wrath of the black swan while bonding with understudy Kendra (Erica Ash). Turing to inception to clear her mind, Jody is urged to find the special book to clear the evil dead spirits hounding her. As for Dan, his employment at a primate genetics company has resulted in the rise of the planet of the apes, with experiment Caesar learning to become human, though he can’t shed his predilection for throwing feces.

There have been a few bad “Scary Movie” installments since the series began in 2000, but the latest chapter is simply abysmal, lacking even the slightest effort to make a pleasing mess out of big screen hits. Director Malcolm D. Lee has visited these parts before, helming the 2002 turkey, “Undercover Brother,” but it’s clear the man hasn’t learned a thing about the process of parody over the last decade. Keeping to the franchise’s blender filmmaking approach, Lee simply tosses in random tomfoolery, trusting the sheer force of pop culture recollection will be enough to secure laughs, and if that doesn’t work, anything involving a toilet, urine, and fecal matter will suffice, keeping the gross-outs as pronounced as a pantsings, with a sizable chunk of the budget going to the creation of fake poop. Not that anything displayed in a “Scary Movie” production has highlighted stunning ingenuity, but the relative easygoing attitude of the previous pictures is rudely rejected for the fifth feature. Lee is simply making it up as he goes, as anally obsessed as I’ve ever seen a director.

At one point, the younger of the unruly “Mama” children jams a popsicle stick up her rectum, sniffs the results, goes cross-eyed and passes out. Are you sure you need to spend your hard-earned money on this rubbish?

“Scary Movie V” does show considerable speed with its subjects, serving up an “Evil Dead” parody one week after the horror hit’s release. Of course, the gags aren’t exactly rocket science (watching Sarah Hyland and Bow Wow take turns cutting off body parts), while the primary joke lies in the Book of the Dead chant, which reads “Klaatu barada nikto” – a movie trivia laugh the “Evil Dead” series already explored two decades ago. The “Mama” material eats up most of the plot, while time is also spent poking at “Sinister,” “The Help,” “Black Swan” (involving a heated lesbian tryst between Jody and Kendra that culminates with an innuendo montage), “Inception,” and “Paranormal Activity,” which arrives in the form of a raging pool cleaning machine party sequence. “Scary Movie V” also dabbles into the literary world, sending up “Fifty Shades of Grey” as Jody fights off complicated, overly lubed seduction techniques from Christian Grey (played by Jerry “I’ll Appear in Anything” O’Connell).

Beyond the film parodies, “Scary Movie V” is chock full of slapstick, mostly concerning Dan’s war with Maria, an obese, God-fearing housekeeper who drags crucifixes around the house and drinks mouthwash. The script is actually credited to David Zucker and Pat Proft, two men who brought “Airplane!” into the world long ago and now couldn’t write a decent joke at gunpoint. That “Scary Movie V” contains an extended scene where Snoop Dogg and Mac Miller discuss the pain of shampoo stinging their urethras pretty much sums up the bottom-of-the-barrel creative level tickets buyers are asked to endure.

Featuring narration from a Morgan Freeman imitator (who becomes ill when he smells a foul bathroom accident onscreen), random usage of toy cars for reasons unknown, extended scenes of Dan hurting himself (I hope the person who told Rex he was an amazing physical comedian is deeply sorry for the nightmare they’ve unleashed), and a closing celebration with Green Bay Packers fans, “Scary Movie V” is a pitiful grab bag of awful with a torturous sense of humor, crash landing a formerly inoffensive franchise into hostile Friedberg/Seltzer territory.

Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Terry Crews, Kate Walsh, Jerry O'Connell, Ashley Tisdale
Director: Malcolm D Lee

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