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Texas Chainsaw 3D2013 | 92 min | R | 2.39:1
Numerous questions are raised after viewing “Texas Chainsaw 3D,” more than any cash-grab sequel/remake should rightfully leave behind. A brazenly idiotic production that doesn’t bother make any sense or deal directly with the screwball timeline it arranges for itself, the picture is basically a glorified DTV effort that lucked into a January release, displaying minimal interest in storytelling cohesion, passable performances, and grim occurrences. The “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” franchise has seen its fair share of brainless follow-ups and offshoots, yet this new production takes the cake in terms of absurdity, eagerly dispatching with coherence to rewire the tale back to its original elements, once again pitting a maniac with a chainsaw against his dim-witted, costume-challenged victims. 
After the Sawyer Farmhouse ambush of 1973, which left survivor Sally a psychological wreck, the community of Newt, Texas is aching for revenge, silencing Sheriff Hooper (Thom Barry) as they burn the property to the ground, seemingly killing everyone inside, including family leader Drayton (Bill Moseley). However, an infant has survived, placed into the care of a bitter couple for safekeeping. 40 years later, the baby has grown up into a 20-year-old named Heather (Alexandra Daddario), a supermarket butcher who longs for a better life. Learning of her grandmother’s death and her inheritance of the old woman’s estate in Newt, Heather enlists her pals (including Trey Songz and Tania Raymonde) to help claim the place, picking up hitchhiker Darryl (Shaun Sipos) along the way. Instead of a nice, quiet move, the group makes a hellish discovery when Leatherface (Dan Yeager) is unleashed from his basement compound, out to slaughter Heather and her companions before the sun rises. Catching news of the killer’s resurfacing, Mayor Burt (Paul Rae) sets out to finish the job he started four decades earlier, while Heather learns of her Saywer Family lineage and her connection to Leatherface. In a highly unusual creative choice, the screenplay for “Texas Chainsaw 3D” elects to pick up exactly where the 1974 Tobe Hooper original left off, even providing scenes from the earlier movie to lubricate continuity. And then, after all the hard work trying to connect the pictures, the screenplay suddenly jumps to 2013, despite retaining characters who’ve only managed to cover about two decades of maturity. In reality, Heather should be a 40-year-old woman and Sheriff Hooper would’ve died of old age. And Leatherface? Well, I estimate his age to be around 65-70 years old, reducing his chainsaw-swinging murder spree to a limping, wheezing nuisance, easily avoided via nearby stairs or moderate inclines. He’d be eligible for the fright film retirement home by now, probably sharing a room with The Tall Man from “Phantasm.” Cruelly, the established time span of 40 years is casually tossed aside so “Texas Chainsaw 3D” can reboot with a young cast while still maintaining ties to the 1974 feature, perhaps to help charm sentimental horror fans faced with the dispiriting reality of this seventh “Chainsaw” installment. 
While energy is spent to continue the madness of Hooper’s effort, “Texas Chainsaw 3D” doesn’t act like much of a sequel. In fact, it’s content to repeat many of the slaughter scenes from the original picture while reheating the premise, finding Leatherface once again unleashed on a group of careless kids on a trip, complete with mischief emerging from a sketchy hitchhiker. Bodies are tossed onto hooks, a victim screams bloody murder from inside a chest freezer, and there’s a pronounced sense of Sawyer family bonding to the material. Even that twangy photograph sound effect makes a comeback. Instead of advancing the premise to the next stage of rural Texas warfare, director John Luessenhop (2010’s “Takers”) merely rehashes the same beats of pursuit and confrontation, only here the showdowns are moronic, with one detour into a local carnival notable due to a complete lack of interest from the public, who casually walk by while Leatherface rakes his roaring death machine across a chain-link fence, raging toward a hysterical Heather. Apparently in Newt, the obvious appearance of a blood-soaked monster is an everyday occurrence. 
The staging of “Texas Chainsaw 3D” is unforgivably sloppy and sluggish, while the script actively avoids complexity by treating the entire story as simply as possible, despite developments that demand further investigation. Nothing makes much sense, and while I understand that’s often the case with this type of movie, it doesn’t excuse the disregard Luessenhop and the production has for their audience. “Texas Chainsaw 3D” seems primarily concerned with uneventful gore zone visits and dreaming up a myriad of ways to keep Daddario’s toned stomach exposed, finding Heather intentionally revealing her midriff any chance she gets. However, true nudity is missing -- a curious omission considering how much of the screenplay relies on stale genre formula. The acting is “Texas Chainsaw 3D” is universally abysmal, along with the production’s hyped use of 3D, which looks fuzzy during glory shots of the titular machine lunging toward the viewer. I’d label the picture a disappointment, but there really hasn’t been a striking “Chainsaw” entry since 1974 (sequels in 1986 and 1990 certainly had their moments, but failed to ignite), finding the 2013 model completely in line with previous duds. I’m not exactly sure what Luessenhop and Company were thinking when they assembled this stinker, though genuine thought appears to have been the last thing on their mind. Starring: Bill Moseley (I), Tania Raymonde, Alexandra Daddario, Scott Eastwood, Richard Riehle, Shaun Sipos Director: John Luessenhop » See full cast & crew |
 
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