"Disaster" can refer to two different types of movies. There are the good old "Disaster" movies, as in the genre that features massive destruction of
some variety, be it natural or manmade, deliberate or accidental. Movies like Deep Impact, 2012, and The Poseidon Adventure qualify. Then there are movies that may be
labeled "Disasters," epic celluloid (or now digital) train wrecks that represent the bottom of the barrel of cinema. Movies like The Love Guru, Meet the Spartans, and Alien Origin are amongst the worst of the worst. And then there are
the lucky few that are both. "Disastrous Disaster movies" often originate from the SyFY Channel or The Asylum; films like Super Cyclone, Seeds of Destruciton, and Megafault fit that bill. All that is to say that combining "Disaster" with
"The Asylum" usually has, well, yes, "disaster" written all over it. Such would appear to be the case with 500 MPH Storm; it's a
straightforward Disaster flick about accidental manmade weather gone haywire, but it's a little better than expected, nothing great but not a
shameful picture by any stretch of the imagination. It's probably not worth watching, but it could have been worse. Much worse, actually.
Who knew the end of the world would be so...fake?
Simon (Michael Beach) and Gage (Chad Brummett) are in charge of the Apollo Control Center. They're about to put a new machine online that
promises to create an endless supply of "clean, renewable energy" and eliminate the need for offshore drilling. What could possibly go wrong? No
sooner is the machine activated, an F5 cyclone forms in the Gulf of Mexico, and bad weather begins appearing suddenly all over the world, baffling
meteorologists, killing hundreds, and destroying thousands of homes and businesses. Nathan Sims (Casper Van Dien) and his family are enjoying a
hot air balloon ride when all meteorological hell breaks loose around them. They barely escape, but other ballooners aren't so fortunate. Sims works
closely and frantically with Apollo and the military to stop the outbreak of storms that threaten to create a super storm, known as a "Hypercane,"
which would be powerful enough to kill every last living thing on Earth.
Fires, storms, torrential rains, floods, twisters, and large-scale digital destruction: what's not to love? 500 MPH Storm is the epitome of the
cheap Disaster movie, but the cheap Disaster movie done with just a little bit more in the way of effort than is normally found in these sorts of
movies.
To be sure, the picture is packed with the typically bad and nearly inexcusable-at-any-budget special effects that are more about getting the shape
on
the screen than giving the shape any semblance of realism, be that shape a hurricane, high winds filled with debris, flying helicopters (The Asylum
loves it some cheap digital choppers), destroyed buildings, or toppled cars. It's one of those movies where "nature" shows intelligence and chases
after good guys in a vehicle (usually it's earthquakes but here it's a funnel cloud). Anyone familiar with the quality level of CGI found in the typical
Asylum/SyFy movie knows exactly what to expect, and those who aren't can peruse the screenshots in this review; there are a few choice
examples.
In fact, The Asylum loves bad CGI so much that it's a minor miracle that the opening hot air balloon sequence wasn't completely digitized; it's almost
a
shock to see real balloons take to the skies before, of course, they're digitally destroyed by digital winds. Yet despite the onslaught of terrible CGI,
500 MPH Storm at least creates a few decent characters and even a slight bit of drama, albeit predictable and generic drama, to keep it out
of
the doldrums of digital filmdom.
Certainly, the film's isn't nearly good enough to warrant a close-attention watch; it's best enjoyed as background noise while performing other tasks
or pondering life's great mysteries, like whether life exists on alien worlds, what happens after death, and why doesn't The Asylum make a Twilight rip-off with characters named Eddie, Jake, and Belle?
Anyway, back to the movie. 500 MPH Storm features the usual bland sets made on the cheap or probably clandestinely shot in, like all of
the vacated warehouse shots. The movie chugs along at an artificially-induced pace; the plot unravels ridiculously fast and spends precious little
time developing its characters beyond a name and title or establishing a relationship between father, wife, and son that really has no bearing on the
movie other than that they will work as a team to beat the storm at the end. It's also spurred along by nearly incessant Asylum-styled "Action"
music meant to help hide the real lack of rhythm and novelty in the movie. But for all of the ridiculousness and basic cheap ingredients, 500
MPH Storm does prove a little bit better than average. Casper Van Dien gives the movie a little flair that's otherwise absent; the performance is
nothing special -- neither is his character -- but he at least takes it seriously and manages a few good moments in between running through and
around digital bad weather.
500 MPH Storm's high definition transfer is typical of The Asylum, meaning it's a fairly good-looking image overall. The transfer yields some
superb colors in the early going; the hot air balloons look wonderful, certainly not quite so stunningly filmic and pure as the paragliding sequence in The Intouchables (there's an oddball film to mention in a review of
something like 500 MPH Storm) but the scene certainly holds it own, and then some, with fairly brilliant, balanced colors. Much of the rest of the
film is made of shades of gray and takes place under cloudy skies and stormy conditions. Details are crisp and nicely defined; the HD video glossy sheen
gives the movie a rather flat, sterile appearance, but it nevertheless picks up some fabulous textures on the wicker hot air balloon baskets, human faces,
and clothes. Black levels and skin tones are never overly problematic. The VFX shots look quite unkempt, a bit blocky, and show shimmering and jagged
edges. Light banding is visible in some scenes. This is a classic "seen one, seen 'em all;" most of The Asylum transfers look pretty much the same, and
this is no different.
500 MPH Storm features an aggressive, entertaining DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 lossless soundtrack. It delivers fun, balanced, energetic music
that enjoys very natural and wide front-side spacing and an honest surround support element. Thunder and heavy winds and other sounds of natural
weather-related disasters are nicely integrated into the track and the result is a fairly wide, convincing soundstage that doesn't absolutely pull the
listener into the moment -- the track just doesn't have the budget for that sort of nuance -- but the net effect is quite good. The track makes up for its
lack of subtleties with a pure, aggressive posture and plenty of surround support. Dialogue is clear and center-focused. All around, it's a very good track
for a budget movie.
It's no Roland Emmerich film, but 500 MPH Storm is a satisfying little bit of background noise that might feature low-end special effects, a
manufactured pace, and a mindless plot, but it at least shows a little energy and earns a decent enough performance from Casper Van Dien. It's kind of
fun to watch all the bad CGI at work, and that there's not a terrible movie around it makes the experience at least tolerable. The Asylum's
Blu-ray release of 500 MPH Storm features good video and audio to go along with a couple of extras. Rent it or catch it on TV.
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