Are these movies made with the purpose of making them as awful as humanly possible? Bigfoot is an absolute joke of a movie, an abysmal
motion picture, an insult to the cinema medium. Here's a movie that encapsulates everything wrong with Asylum/SyFy fare. There's minimal plot
(but give it credit for actually having a plot, unlike Alien Origin, probably the single worst movie ever made), laughable
special effects, numerous continuity errors, poor characters, and on and on. It's not even a frustrating watch, just a boring one, save for those many
moments when it's easy to laugh at the mess playing out on the screen. Yet even those aren't enough to salvage the experience. Basically, this is
"King Kong" squashing people on and around Mount
Rushmore. He becomes offended when a nearby 80s flashback music festival microphone emits feedback and proceeds to kill everyone he sees.
Meanwhile, a couple of aging rock stars fight over music, who slept with whom's mother, and of course capturing Kingfoot, er, Bigkong, er, Bigfoot.
This thing is just so miserable it almost defies logic. For those who wish to read no further, here's the bottom line: skip, skip, skip, and stay far, far, far,
away.
Watch out Alice!
The town of Deadwood is a snowy South Dakota hamlet on the edge of Mount Rushmore. It pulls in a nice cash-flow thanks to the four
larger-than-life presidents who rest along its border, but it's an otherwise quiet, unassuming, little-known place. Until now. Local radio DJ and
one-time rock star Harley Henderson (Danny Bonaduce) is promoting an 80s flashback concert on the outskirts of town. He hopes to attract the
likes
of Sting and Alice Cooper and sets out to build the stage for what he plans to be a Woodstock for a new generation. However, to build the stage,
he's
going to have to tear down part of the local forest. His rival, another washed-up rock star by the name of Simon (Barry Williams), will have none of
that. Simon's gone green in his later years, and he and his many female followers will have nothing of this deforestation. As their rivalry grows,
Harley
gets the go-ahead from local officials to resume construction. The show begins and the biggest celebrity to make an appearance is Bigfoot, a
creature
dozens of feet tall who wrecks havoc on the festival. Now, the creature is out for revenge, and Simon and Harley both have plans for the creature's
capture. Can they get the beast without killing one another first?
Usually, these SyFy/Asylum movies represent a known quantity, low-end time killer-type movies that are fine for background noise and not a whole
lot more. A few are good enough to actually sit down and watch with almost full attention (think Ice Quake or Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies), but most of them are just bad movies
that rely on goofy special effects, movement, and sheer ridiculousness to draw in viewers. But every once in a while (and more and more
frequently, it seems), one comes along that just defies all expectations for bad. Bigfoot is one such movie. It begins with a CGI
insect shot, and it's
clear the thing can only go downhill from there. The title creature looks awful, moves clunky, and runs awkwardly. When he (is it is a "he?") stomps
victims, the effect is ridiculously unnatural, and when he bites the head off of someone, it's the same body left in its hand every time. Bigfoot never
seems like a part of the environment, instead just a computer image thrown in somewhere close to where it would be in real life. Most of the time,
audiences will root for another Bigfoot kill just to enjoy the absurdity of the special effects. The combination of walking, running, stomping,
squishing, kicking, and biting is quite hilarious. Also, isn't "Bigfoot" supposed to be not much bigger than a large man? Why is he all of a sudden
King Kong? And why hasn't the creature been spotted before? Sure there's some local legends, according to the movie, but it seems it would be
hard to miss something
that's about fifty feet tall. One would also think that something other than a little microphone feedback would have set him (or his ancestors) off
before, like, oh,
carving out Mt. Rushmore or building the town.
It's almost a given that the special effects in these things will be putrid (watch for a distance shot in which Harley attempts to attack Bigfoot via
helicopter),
but it's also futile, in this case, to attempt any sort of logical criticism of the film, because it's so bad it's easier to just proclaim everything a disaster
and move on. That the film relies on a gimmick pairing of Barry Williams from "The Brady Bunch" and Danny Bonaduce from "The Partridge Family"
is bad enough. Their characters aren't awful, but their progression is, and the film spends way too much time with their largely
uninteresting petty quarrels and
less on the story of Bigfoot, though maybe that's a good thing considering how awful that thing looks. Otherwise, the movie is poorly made
from top to bottom. Was there no continuity checker on set? Watch for Bigfoot to run through a parking lot and in the very next shot be nowhere
near it. Watch for a 80s flashback festival to have about thirty people scattered around the stage, listen for the sound effect of a cheering crowd
that sounds like it's in the thousands, and witness the lines at the portable toilets which contain more people than there are at the show. Why is
there a Miami-Dade fire rescue helicopter in South Dakota? There are
plenty more, and they come as frequently as bad Bigfoot digital effects. And one can only wonder how the filmmakers got Alice Cooper to show up
for the
movie; he couldn't have been paid all that much and probably could have gotten more by advertising his services in the paper, willing to perform at
birthday parties or something along those lines.
Bigfoot features an Asylum-typical transfer. It's MPEG-2 encoded and 1.78:1-framed. The picture was shot digitally. It's clean and clear, nicely
detailed, and stable. It's not too glossy or flat and represents a fairly nice, easy-on-the-eyes texture that's not as good as film and not as bad as the
lower-rung video sources where banding and blocky backgrounds run rampant. In fact, this is a very precise transfer with minimal banding, often seen
only in fade-outs and fade-ins. Details are crisp and sharp; facial lines, clothes, small town wood and brick elements, and natural vegetation all sparkle.
Colors are even and accurate, whether the snowy South Dakotan surroundings, clothes, cars, or the colorful music festival stage. The image can appear
a bit fuzzy and artificial around some edges, and the special effects shots lack crispness and pinpoint definition, but overall this is a satisfying transfer and
of the expected quality of an Asylum release.
Bigfoot also features an Asylum-standard soundtrack. Once again, there's no lossless option and listeners are presented with a hobbled but
efficient Dolby Digital 5.1 presentation. The track offers acceptable clarity and good spacing. The presentation makes good and fairly consistent use of
the surround channels. There's a fine sense of envelopment in the concert scenes, for instance, even if the cheering crowd sound effects that encircle
the sound stage seem many times bigger than they should according to the corresponding visuals that show but a sparse assembled crowd. There's
good musical clarity and a natural sense of space. The heavy action effects offer fine power, though not refined power. Bigfoot's stomps are strong but
repetitive and sometimes a bit unnatural. Still, they shake the stage well enough, and gunfire, buzzing helicopters, and other action-oriented effects are
suitably implemented. Dialogue is even and focused, playing naturally through the center and never lost to surrounding music or effects. Though it's a
DVD soundtrack, this one serves this low-budget movie well enough.
Mercifully, Bigfoot contains only a scant amount of extra content. There's a brief making-of featurtte (1080p, 6:32), a gag reel (1080p, 1:16),
and an assortment of Asylum trailers. As always, included is a DVD-style non-seamless menu ported over to the Blu-ray.
The legend may be alive, as the box says, but Bigfoot is DOA. This is a miserable movie that, to be fair, has its moments of high unintentional
humor, but it's otherwise so awful and dull that it's not even worth watching as a Comedy. Miserable special effects (seriously, this is the best that can
be done on the cheap in 2012?), a ridiculous pairing of aging television stars, a thoughtless script, and no care for continuity all make Bigfoot
one of the worst movies of the year. The Asylum's Blu-ray release of Bigfoot does feature good video, fair audio, and a couple of throwaway
extras. Gluttons for punishment should rent, others should stay away.
