Santa Claus Conquers the Martians Blu-ray Review
Ho ho hilarious.
Reviewed by Casey Broadwater, December 12, 2012
Never has the phrase "so bad it's good" been so apt. Regularly appearing on lists of the worst movies ever made, 1964's
Santa Claus Conquers the
Martians is nonetheless loveably awful, the kind of film you can enjoy precisely
because of its low-budget ineptitude. It became a
Christmastime cult favorite when it appeared on
Mystery Science Theater 3000 in 1991, and it's been more recently skewered by Cinematic
Titanic,
original MST3K host Joel Hodgson's new wisecracking-about-bad-movies venture. Both of these riff tracks are hilarious, but unlike a lot of MST3K fare,
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is actually entertaining on its own. The ratio of absurdities per minute is high, the acting is across-the-
board atrocious, and the story takes so many ridiculous, patently unbelievable turns that—most of the time—you're left with your mouth hanging
agape. The movie is often very funny, even if it doesn't entirely mean to be.
Since the film is in the public domain, it's been subjected to numerous shoddy home video releases over the years—with poor audio and badly cut-up
prints—but the situation improves markably with Kino-Lorber's new Blu-ray edition, which is much easier on the eyes and ears. (But still in pretty poor
shape; the film has never and will never look
pristine.) If you're looking to have your own Mystery Science Theater 3000-style holiday get-
together, you could do much worse than to put on
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and let loose with the wise-ass remarks.
Why the film's opening theme song isn't a perennial holiday classic is beyond me—it's a groovy earworm of a number featuring a choir of kids singing
"Hooray for Santy Claus!" (And yes, they do pronounce it "San-tee.") In the first scene, a TV newscaster gives a report on the state of affairs at the
North Pole the week before Christmas, but when the camera ominously pans over to see who's watching the television, it turns out to be a pair of
green-faced Martian kids: Bomar (Chris Month) and his little sister, Girmar (tiny future singer Pia Zadora). Their parents, Kimar (Leonard Hicks) and
Momar (Leila Martin)—the king and queen of Mars—are direly concerned that the youngsters of the Red Planet are too obsessed with "those
meaningless Earth programs on the video."
Kimar and the other Martian leaders consult the "Ancient One," Chochem—an 800-year-old Yoda-like sage with a hilariously high, cracking voice—who
tells the adults they need to lighten up and that "the children must be allowed to be children again." If you were looking for a moral to this
dunderheaded sci-fi Christmas carol, this is it. Chochem suggests that the Martian kiddos need a Santa-type figure to help instill in them a sense of
wonder and fun, but Kimar decides it would be best to kidnap the
actual St. Nick. He sets off for Earth with his men, including the dopey klutz
Dropo (Bill McCutcheon) and the always-antagonistic Voldar (Vincent Beck), a miserable grump with a Cheech Marin mustache and no Christmas spirit.
When Kimar suggests, in regard to Chochem, that "You can't dismiss the wisdom of centuries," Voldar memorably replies, "
I can."
This is where it
starts to get weird. The Martians are confused about
which Earth Santa to capture—when they look down on New
York they see scores of Salvation Army bell-ringers—so they kidnap little precocious earthlings Billy (Victor Stiles) and his kid-sister Betty (Donna
Conforti), who direct them to the North Pole. There's a delightfully shabby scene here where the two children get off the alien ship and hide in a snow
cave from a polar bear that's obviously a guy in the cheapest, dingiest bear suit imaginable. It's like an early version of the Wampa sequence on Hoth
in
The Empire Strikes Back, but with zero production value. The bear attack is followed by an encounter with a similarly ill-attired robot—if you
have a thing for campy, low-budget sci-fi costumery, you'll get a kick out of "Torg." The same goes for the spaceship sets, a loveably handmade, pre-
Star Trek array of colorful blinking lights and obscure instrumentation.
With each scene, the film gets progressively more ludicrous. Voldar thinks his planet no longer lives up to its god-of-war reputation—"You're all
becoming Martian-mellows...soft, weak..."—so he wages his own personal battle against Santa and his sissifying influence. First, he tries to kill the right
jolly old elf and the human kids by trapping them in the ship's airlock, but when this doesn't work, he resorts to subversive propaganda. "We cannot
eliminate Santa Claus," he says, "but we
can discredit him." Hence, the sabotage of Saint Nick's new, fully mechanized Martian toy factory,
which begins producing teddy bears with the heads of girlie dolls and shooting badminton rackets out of the baseball bat chute. What a laugh! The film
also works in a case of mistaken identity, when Voldar confuses Dropo—who's dressed in a Santa suit—for the real item. Doesn't he notice Dropo's pale
green face, which is the polar opposite of Santa's distinctly ruddy visage?
There's no getting around it—
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is bad. Maybe not
Manos: Hands of Fate bad, but certainly inept
script-wise, woefully acted, and staged with the amateurism and schmaltziness of a small-town Christmas pageant. But this is exactly why it's so
much fun. Just watch the fight scene between Voldar and Kimar, where it's hilariously clear that they're not even close to actually hitting each other.
Notice how Torg's legs are just crinkly aluminum vent pipes—the kind that run out of your dryer—and how the radar system is made up of repurposed
paper towel rolls. The low-budget charm is strong with this one, which goes a long way towards making
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
the kind of so-bad-it's-brilliant cult classic that's worth watching once a year.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians Blu-ray, Video Quality
Let's get his out of the way up front:
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians has
never looked "good" on home video—it's had a series of
grubby, chopped-up releases from several minor labels—and it probably never will. That said, Kino's new Blu-ray release is by far the best yet, despite a
few source-related issues. The first thing you'll notice is that the 1080p/AVC-encoded transfer is in 1.37:1,
not the film's original 1.85:1
theatrical aspect ratio. Kino has stated that this is because the master they used was sourced from a 16mm answer print that was specifically created for
television broadcast. Prints of the movie are rare, so they've had to work with what was available to them. Fair enough. This cut of the film is surprisingly
complete—I've seen other editions where scenes are missing and the theme song drops in and out suddenly—and the print is in fair condition, all things
considered. There are still white and black specks, vertical scratches, and slight brightness/color fluctuations throughout—the film is essentially presented
as is—but at least there's no smeary digital noise reduction or edge enhancement. While the 16mm picture is consistently soft, seeing the
movie in high definition certainly yields a noticeable improvement in clarity. The film's candy-hued color palette seems accurate too, with its Martian
greens and cheery Christmas reds. I didn't spy any blatant compression problems or other concerns worth noting. The film is what it is, and this is
probably the best version of it we'll get for some time to come.
