The Decoy Bride Blu-ray Review
You take the high road, this film takes the low road...
Reviewed by Casey Broadwater, July 1, 2012
We Americans have a begrudging sense of cultural inferiority when it comes to our distant brethren in the U.K., but let this be some small solace: their
rom-coms are just as daft as ours. Oh sure, the accents may make everyone sound smarter—even the thickest back-country Scottish brogue may
carry more intelligence than the neutral American intonation—but the same-old narrative conventions? The saccharine too-cuteness? The
improbabilities and eye-rolling contrivances? Her Majesty's movies are by no means immune. Dippy case in point,
The Decoy Bride, a bit of
happy-ever-after nonsense directed by Sheree Folkson and co-written by Neil Jaworski and Sally Phillips. Yank rom-com-ophiles might know Phillips as
"Shazza" from the
Bridget Jones films, but she's had a rather successful, almost twenty-year career in British television. Her debut feature
script, however, ain't so hot.
The Decoy Bride features a game cast—including
Boardwalk Empire's Kelly MacDonald,
Dr. Who's
David Tennant, and
Sex and the City 2's Alice Eve—but they're thrown together in an overcooked but tepid plot that's made only remotely
savory by a side of visual haggis. That is, the film's gorgeous use of Scottish scenery.
Okay, so
The Decoy Bride was actually shot primarily on the Isle of Man—a self-governing British Crown dependency just
south of
Scotland—but it's set on the fictional Caledonian Island of Hegg, a foggy, moss and heather-covered rock that's populated almost entirely by old-timers.
Someone calls it "the plain Jane of the Outer Hebrides." It's here that lovelorn Katie Nic Aodh (MacDonald)—herself somewhat of a plain Jane—is
returning in romantic defeat after a doomed relationship on the mainland with a musician who dumped her with a lazy metaphor: "Katie, you're a
song, but you're not a whole album." She has a thing for "arty types with monster commitment issues," so she's decided to go "man vegan" for a
while, which is probably the least appetizing way I've ever heard someone talk about swearing off guys. During her man-moratorium, she plans to help
out her sickly mum (Phillips)—who owns a B&B but dreams of world travel—and possibly write a guide book about Hegg, though it's certainly no tourist
destination.
It is, however, the setting of a pretentious but widely read novel called "The Ornithologists' Wife," by nebbish writer James Arber (Tennant), who's
engaged to the tabloid-hounded American actress Lara Tyler (Alice Eve), an Angelina Jolie-sized superstar. After an aborted attempt at holding their
nuptials at a European cathedral—a patient paparazzo named Marco (Federico Castellucio) is discovered hiding inside the church's organ, spilling bottles
of his own piss on the way out—Lara decides to secretly relocate the wedding to Hegg, presuming that it's James' favorite place in the world. (In fact,
he's never been there; all of his research was googled, and inaccurately at that.) Even on the remote island, the press somehow get wind of the
ceremony and descend in a massive drove, forcing Lara's harried agent, Steve—Michael Urie, essentially re-playing his
Ugly Bettie character—
to improvise a ridiculous PR distraction. With Lara wandering the island in disguise as an elderly biddy, Steve hires Katie to be the "decoy bride" of the
title, a stand-in at a supposedly sham wedding. Only, Katie and James are...wait for it...accidentally married
for realsies when Katie signs her
own name on the wedding certificate. Oops.
Much flat-footed hijinkery ensues. There's a public toilet haunted by the ghost of a heifer. Easily fooled reporters hoof it in herds like sheep across the
countryside. Bag-pipes are tooted and an old deaf couple dances together for the film's requisitely mawkish not-a-dry-eye-in-the-house moment. And
then there's the camera-toting Marco, dressed like "some sort of brown wizard"—he's pretending to be a monk—who goes into a deep depression when
he realizes he's fallen madly for his celebrity quarry. This being a rom-com, James and Katie themselves will inevitably fall in lovey-dovey love, but the
process of getting them there is about as believable as the Loch Ness monster. They despise each other initially, of course—hurling insults whilst
nomming on wedding cake, locked alone in a castle tower—but when James saves the local lass from drowning, their feelings mutually reverse and
deepen. Wake me up for the climactic kiss.
If
The Decoy Bride has one overriding problem it's that it suffers from a surfeit of
whimsy, with sappy upbeat acoustic guitar numbers
and
ba-dum-ching jokes and dialogue that induces one face-palm after another. I get that rom-coms are by nature lighthearted and sugary
entertainments, but there's no reason—beyond a lack of effort—for them not to also aim a little higher, to be stylish and smart and not entirely
overrun with cliches. The film's only saving grace is that Kelly MacDonald and David Tennant do indeed go together like cranachan and Scotch. Tennant
has his usual nerdy charm—he looks like an elfish cross between Charlie Sheen and Richard Dawkins—and MacDonald's prim and frustrated expressions
make her endearing in a cute if schoolmarmish way. You might root for them to get together, but only to quicken the movie's end.
The Decoy Bride Blu-ray, Video Quality
IFC walks
The Decoy Bride down the home video aisle with a 1080p/AVC-encoded Blu-ray transfer that seems true to intent. Shot on 35mm,
the movie retains a naturally filmic look, with no digital noise reduction or edge enhancement tainting the medium-grained image. Neither are there any
obvious compression issues. The picture on the whole is a little soft—almost certainly the combined effect of the film stock and lenses used—but there's
never any doubt you're looking at high definition material. While longer shots can be a bit fuzzy, detail-wise, close-ups display a satisfying amount of
texture and nuance in facial and clothing features. (See James' ridiculous fur collared vest or the fine lines of Lara's old woman makeup.) Like a lot of
rom-coms, the cinematography is a little bland and flatly lit, but color is keenly reproduced here, with a warm yellowish cast covering most scenes,
accurate skin tones, and dense but not oversaturated hues. Contrast is decent too, with strong blacks and highlights that never harshly peak. And, of
course, the print itself is in excellent condition, with no specks or scratches whatsoever.
The Decoy Bride Blu-ray, Audio Quality
The film features a lossless DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 surround track that presents a functional and modestly enveloping mix. The sound design is by no
means energetic, but there's been a clear attempt to fill out the space with atmospherics and occasional effects. As Katie rides the ferry back to Hegg, for
instance, waves lap convincingly in the rears, an in general there's a good deal of seaside ambience. Birds in the distance. Quiet breezes. Rain pouring
heavily. The score by Julian Nott—best known for his work on the
Wallace & Gromit films—is standard, inoffensive rom-com fare, but the other
musical cues are often ear-gratingly obnoxious. In terms of audio quality, it all at least
sounds fine—balanced and clear, if never dynamically
aggressive. Dialogue is always intelligible too, even with the occasionally heavy accents. For those that need a little help, the disc includes optional
English SDH and Spanish subtitles, which appear in vivid yellow lettering.
