The Hills Have Eyes 2 Blu-ray despite stunning video and great audio falls short as an overall poor Blu-ray release
What started with the Carter family, clearly didn't end with the Carter family. Some time later, as part of a
routine mission, a unit of National Guard soldiers stop at a New Mexican outpost only to find the isolated research
camp mysteriously deserted. After spotting a distress signal in a distant mountain range, the team decides to
commence a search and rescue mission into the hills. Little do they know that these are the very hills that the ill-
fated Carter family once visited, and that a tribe of cannibalistic mutants lies in wait. And this time, there is an
even larger force of evil at work that is intent on the soldiers'' very destruction.
It's really a shame that the entire fictional National Guard unit depicted in The Hills Have Eyes
2
weren't picked off within the first five minutes of the film. It would have certainly saved both the
characters and the audience an awful lot of suffering. This is definitely the worst film I've
reviewed
to date. Even Hostel, a film I found despicable and gratuitous seemingly only for the
sake
of being as disgusting as possible, can at least boast halfway competent direction and acting on
top of a
paper thin story that seems as thick as a brick compared to the drivel that is the script for
The
Hills Have Eyes 2. The film offers nothing but less than one-dimensional characters whose
lot
in life seems to revolve around finding out who can insult the others the most while using the
foulest
language
this side of Pulp Fiction, a film whose language was a character itself, foul-mouthed yes,
but also witty, clever, and genuine. The Hills Have Eyes 2 features dialogue that may as
well have been written by a few pre-adolescent teenagers whose only objective was to throw as
many F-bombs in as they could. The characters are completely clueless, including the supposed
"leader" of the group, "Sarge" (how original). How these individuals progressed far enough in the
National Guard to be
allowed to carry weapons is beyond me, and it's just another in a mile long list of problems with
The Hills Have Eyes 2.
You maggots aren't worthy of the quality of this screenshot!
As a favor to whomever may still have the slightest interest in
watching The Hills Have Eyes 2, here is my ultra-condensed rewrite of the script that will
hopefully spare you, dear reader, of the insufferable mess of a movie we have here, and if anyone
ever dare re-make this film, please use the script below, as the runtime should come in at around
5 minutes. Oh, and please do not acknowledge me in the credits.
THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2: THE REALLY, REALLY SHORT VERSION
BY
MARTIN SMITHEE
EXT. A MOUNTAINOUS MILITARY INSTALLATION-DAY.
Several eighth-wit NATIONAL GUARDSMEN have just failed in a training exercise and are being
grilled by SARGE, a wannabe stereotype of the serious soldier who's as big an IDIOT
as his IDIOT SOLDIERS.
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
#%$*&^!!!
IDIOT SOLDIER #2
%^$%(*!!!!
SARGE
TEN-HUT! (The soldiers clumsily snap to attention). You %^&$^$ maggots are too stupid to boil
water, but we're being sent on an important mission
to rescue some important scientists in a secret and restricted military installation! Saddle
up!
The men head out to the installation. "$^$%&!," "&*^$%&!," and "@$%^*&!" represent the
height of dialogue in the film. Each solider tries desperately to insult his peers with the foulest
language they can think of. Finally, they arrive at the remnants of a military base, continue to
insult one another, and head out to look for signs of life.
IDIOT SOLDIER #5
#%^*(*!!!
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
I think I heard something...AAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
We see IDIOT SOLIDER #1 Getting bent in half, blood squirting everywhere, as his fellow soldiers
shoot their weapons randomly, yelling obscenities as they do so. A stray bullet hits SARGE. He
dies after his men cannot save his life.
IDIOT SOLDIER #4
$%%^&*%^!!!!!
IDIOT SOLDIER #3
%&*%^ &%^^&* %^$#%@!
The men attempt to lower Sarge's body and IDIOT SOLIDER #2 to the ground via a rope. The
rope
is cut and IDIOT SOLDIER #2 falls to his death, grasping onto the body of SARGE.
IDIOT SOLDIER #3
$%$&**!!!!
IDIOT SOLDIER #4
$%%^&*%^!!!!!
IDIOT SOLDIER #5
Oh man, we're getting picked off one-by-one here! Let's boogie on out of here!
IDIOT SOLDIER #4
Stand your ground soldier!
IDIOT SOLDIER #5
Stay if you want, $^&%^&!, but I'm getting the %^%^#@ out of here!
IDIOT SOLDIER #4
Stand your ground, soldier! (IDIOT SOLDIER #4 points his weapon at IDIOT SOLDIER #5, who in
turn points his weapon at IDIOT SOLDIER #3, who in turn points his weapon at IDIOT SOLDIER
#4, resulting in a Mexican standoff).
A FALLING ROCK tumbles off of a nearby cliff, and all three IDIOT SOLDIERS open fire, all
collapsing to the ground, dead.
FADE...to the sound of an evil, maniacal chuckle.
THE END.
The version of The Hills Have Eyes 2 that actually appeared on the screen could have easily been
a decent movie. It's hard to go wrong with monsters vs. soldiers, but
there
was definitely some kind of breakdown in the process of moving from idea to script to screen.
Movies such as Dog Soldiers, Aliens, and 28 Weeks Later pulled the
concept off with ease, providing first rate stories, solid acting and direction, and mostly good
dialogue,
and all conveyed a certain sense of realism, tension, and fear. The Hills Have Eyes 2
seems nothing more than a decent idea gone horribly wrong, and it's so bad on such a grandiose
scale that any attempt to completely dissect what's wrong with the picture might just fill up an
entire "how
not to make a movie" textbook. I couldn't find one redeeming quality in this film, so in the
interest of stopping while I'm ahead and not piling on, I'll end this portion of the review here.
Fox has one again provided a tip-top Blu-ray transfer here. Contrary to the horrendous quality of
the movie, this 1080p, 2.35:1 image looks fantastic. Thankfully, this transfer (along with stellar
sound) made watching the movie slightly tolerable. The film offers two contrasting visual styles.
The first part of the film takes place in the great outdoors, shot in locales lit naturally by a very
bright sun, and the tans of the desert, mountains, and military uniforms look fantastic. Detail is
high, clarity is amazing, and the image is crisp and sharp. As the film progresses, the action moves
into a dark, poorly lit underground location where the monsters live, and the disc handles this
startling transition with ease. Black levels are spot-on perfect and color reproduction remains
excellent. Shadow detail and fine detail both receive high marks as well. Flesh tones are uniformly
excellent, regardless of the setting or lighting conditions. Fox shows that they are dedicated to Blu-
ray for
the long haul, giving The Hills Have Eyes 2 a wonderful transfer, despite the questionable
quality of the film itself, and that says a lot to me. Keep 'em coming, Fox!
As usual, Fox provides listeners with a lossless DTS-HD MA 5.1 soundtrack that, like the picture
quality, ranks rather high amongst its peers. The sound quality on this disc is powerful and
immersive. There is quite a bit going on, from gunfire and explosions up front to quite a few
pleasant ambient sounds in the rear. The surround channels certainly do their part in creating the
semblance of a spooky atmosphere. There is usually something going on in the soundtrack that
tries to reel the viewer into a horrific atmosphere that the film fails to create. More mundane
effects such as wind blowing, birds chirping, and insects buzzing create a believable, realistic
atmosphere in the first half of the film that makes you feel like you are in the middle of the barren
wasteland of the military encampment. Once underground, the focus of the sound shifts more to
musical cues and creepy breathing and other sub-human effects to scare the viewer. It' mostly
effective, and would have had a much greater impact had the action on screen matched the sound
in intensity and scares. Dialogue and music reproduction are excellent as well. Even though the
movie is lousy, this soundtrack is sure to please and give your sound system a decent workout in
the process.
The Hills Has Eyes 2 features a plate full of extras which, on the whole, proved
more interesting than the movie itself. Lacking is a commentary track, but in this case the
absence of one was probably a smart move. Leading off are four deleted scenes (480p, 3:11)
that really don't appear as if they would have improved the film one iota. Batting second is an
alternate ending (480p, 0:55). Unfortunately, I couldn't understand what the bad guy was
saying at the end, even listening to it three times, but I'm sure it really doesn't matter. Batting
third is a gag reel (480p, 3:37) that proved more entertaining and funny than anything in the
movie itself. Hitting cleanup is a feature entitled Mutant Attacks (480p, 9:47), which
discusses the difference between the mutants from the first film and this sequel, the
power structure among the mutants, and creating the unique look of each mutant. Batting fifth
is
Birth of a Graphic Novel (480p, 12:42). This is a look at the graphic novel prequel to the
Hills Have Eyes franchise entitled The Hills Have Eyes: The Beginning. Hitting
sixth is another feature entitled Exploring the Kills: The Making of 'The Hills Have Eyes 2'
(480p, 12:43), which examines some of the stunts and the design of some of the sets. Batting
seventh, we have Fox Movie Channel Presents: Life After Film School With Wes Craven
(480p, 10:20). He discusses film and politics with several interviewers who seem awestruck to
be speaking with one of the true Masters of Horror of the past few decades. Up to bat eighth is a
trailer for The Hills Have Eyes (1080p, 2:25), and finally, batting ninth, we have 1080p
trailers for other Fox Blu-ray discs, including Alien Vs. Predator, From Hell, and Sunshine.
Featuring unlikable characters and sophomoric dialogue that is more cringe-worthy than "funny" as
I imagine that it was supposed to be, not to mention poorly structured villains, The Hills Have
Eyes 2 proves to be one of the most disappointing films, ever. It's too bad there is no "reverse
scale" to rate the quality of the movies here. Perhaps rather than just blue letter "B's," we could
also have
red letter "R's" that signify the negative scale, and The Hills Have Eyes 2 would definitely
score a perfect 5/5 "R's." Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the Blu-ray? This one
boasts spectacular video and audio quality and a nice helping of extras. I have a hard time believing
even hardcore gore hounds will like this one. There's plenty of blood and guts and brains, but
watching this film will probably kill more brain cells than if an IDIOT SOLDIER reached into a bullet
wound in your head and started yanking out brain matter. Skip this one entirely.
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